Jennifer Psaggy is a Subaru Forrester. Capable, dependable, but also frumpy and bland. When you unload groceries from Whole Foods people expected a lesbian couple. Peaked in 2007.
Marjorie Taylor Greene: lifted Dodge Ram. In retrospect, You aren’t sure why you put a dually on a short bed dodge but it just seemed like a good idea at the time. Banned in most states. Definitely has a gun rack.
Michelle Obama: She projects power and determination. Perfect for parading around urban audiences. Fully loaded with all accessories, built like a tank with a strong, powerful V-8. Lifted Escalade. Trucknutz are discreet, not in your face.
Ilhan Omar as Toyota Solara. Foreign basic model striving to punch above its class. Beneath this modest exterior is an updated suspension and engine tuning giving her a sportier feel. Banned in Israel due to restrictive standards. Surprisingly popular in suburbs.
Melania as the Lamborghini Aventador. Handcrafted in Europe for the pinnacle in performance, only a few hundred of this model are produced annually. Requires meticulous Maintenance but the 500+ horsepower and classic scissor doors make a splash at any party.
Nancy Pelosi as a 1970s era Mercedes Benz 250, her brand of New Deal Democrat was hot for a loooong time but well past its prime and you’re spending a fortune on upkeep & maintenance & you don’t want to admit you can’t afford to upgrade to the Tesla S series. Nice headlights.
Hillary Clinton as Killdozer. Truly unique, impregnable and impenetrable and relentless. Armed to the teeth she will tear down the entire society around her if she doesn’t get her way. Completely unstoppable until she runs out of gas or dies trying. CAREFUL!
Lori lightfoot as a Polaris slingshot. With this model you are definitely making a statement: you’re carefree, throw caution to the wind and doggone it you’re mentally handicapped (and that’s ok). Take a joyride w/ your SS partner and sip daiquiris on Michigan ave while it burns
Stacy Abrams as a 1980 Monte Carlo. No matter what the haters say this is a staple at the urban bbq. Bench leather back seats 💺 may or may not have bundles of cash hidden there. Everyone in the neighborhood knows that when they need bail money they can turn to Aunt Stacy.
Karine Jean-Pierre as a 97 Geo Metro. You fell on hard times but you still need to deliver Uber eats to pay your bills. You need just a couple months out of it until you get back on your feet. Every day you pray you don’t get T-boned by a boomer in an SUV 🚙.
Marco Rubio as a 2017 Land Rover. When you and your life partner pull out of your garage with the immaculately backlit address, you want people to know : “Here comes the neighborhood.” You write off the lease because it’s ideal as a realtor. Comfort and Power.
Sanna Marin as a Spyker C8. Sometimes girls just wanna have fun ok? This Nordic model with a supercharged V8 can push up to 600 hp. When you and the gfs (🥴)want to get away for a good time , and fast 💨 . Not a daily driver.
Elizabeth Warren as El Rey Dorado ("The Golden King"), the term used by the Spanish to describe a mythical tribal chief (zipa) or king of Muisca people, an indigenous people of the Altiplano Cundiboyacense of Colombia, covered himself w/ gold dust & submerged in Lake Guatavita.
Kayleigh Mcenany as Ford Mustang. A guys first ride straight out of boot camp. %100 unabashedly all American. Sporty and surprisingly cheap, begins to look “samey” next to a lot filled with Camaros and Chargers at Fox News.
Gavin Newsom as Tesla Model X. Fully integrated with Silicon Valley technology, this model allows fully automated driving for a modest up charge. You’re social credit score is above 700 isn’t it anon? If not, a purchase of carbon credits will reboot your ignition.
Kamala Harris as the Hindustan Ambassador. Need curry in a hurry? Whether it’s New Delhi, Toronto, or the Bay Area, this dependable 4 cylinder car proudly made in India will deliver. Sometimes has trouble getting horsepower to the rear axle.
Dan Crenshaw as a PT Cruiser. Lots of room in the back to pack your tent ⛺️ and gear for a week long camping trip. One headlight shot out by Iraqi liquor store owner. You like camping? There’s nothing better than sleeping under the stars anon you should try it.
Krysten Sinema as a Mercury Cougar. This sleek and seductive exterior emanates 70s key party energy. The football team loves to take it for a ride after practice. It has quite a bit of mileage on it but great memories that go along with it. Grips the road with tenacity.
Chrystia Freeland is a refurbished Ukrainian zamboni machine. She likes white, smooth and featureless ice, just like her body. She spray paints swastikas on it next to the Ukraine flag, and this is ok. If you stay in the room with her too long you get carbon monoxide poisoning.
Blake Masters as a Ram TRX. A meticulously engineered machine made possible only by the post-2016 political climate that wants nothing less than to be the ULTIMATE chud machine.
700 horsepower engine in the age of golf carts.
Rachel Levine as Honda Civic. Unhappy with your meager 4 cyclinders, topping out at 180 hp (lol)? Simple, just go to a chop shop and some Thai guy will put spoilers on and underbody neons. Pat yourself on the back as everyone praises your hideoushetic choices.
Ron Desantis as FJ Cruiser. Hearkens back to the pre Obama hey dey of gigantic “mid size” SUV. Gives you 80% of what you had with your old Escalade (Trump?) In a more accessible package. Gregarious grill, but capable of plowing through Antifa at any moment.
Laura Loomer. You march to the beat of a different drummer, why not take the road less traveled? The AMC Gremlin. You’re as all American as they come but no amount of paint jobs and tinkering under the hood is going to turn you into a camaro. Handles the tamiami trail well.
Sarah Palin. Nothing screams “Drill Baby Drill” more than this gas guzzling king of the SUVs (14 mpg). Fashionable gun mounts and bulletproof plating optional. Enough room for the entire family, backseat folds for impromptu camping. Take a drilling and keep on killing.
Tim Scott as Pontiac Aztek. Here’s what happens when you let the marketing guys design your car.Endlessly focus grouped,designed to be all things to all people. Is it an SUV? A 4 door coupe? A Republican that talks like a democrat? The goofy grille off-putting for many consumers